Sacrificing the Rules for the Soul

The other day I found pentagon-shaped cloth tiles from over a year ago. These tiles reminded me of one of the most profound lessons I’ve learned during my time as a mama: be who you are.

Those pentagon-shaped tiles I found were for this wonderful ball I was going to make my baby.  Since newborns sleep all the time, I was told I would have lots of free time (hah) and, doesn’t a good mother makes toys for her baby?

You see, before I had E, I had all sorts of rules.

I knew how I would discipline, feed, structure our day, what kind of toys he would play with, what kind of clothes he would wear, and the list goes on.  Surrounded by women having babies at the same time, I felt even more pressure to perform correctly. And then I had my sweet boy.  I quickly discovered that I don’t have time, I make time. Everything is a sacrifice.  And, to make that pentagon ball, I would have to sacrifice other things I loved, like reading, cuddling, or baking.

It took a while but I eventually threw away my  mommy-rules and just tried to be me.  I’m not the mama that makes all of her baby’s toys.  I’m not the mama who dresses her son in cute clothes all the time, in fact you’ll probably see some sort of food on his face most of the time.  I’m not the mama who takes her toddler to all sorts of playgroups and other structured events.  I’m not the mama who closely abides to one parenting style.  Those things are not necessarily bad, they just are not me.

All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable.

All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.

1 Corinthians 6:12 NASV

 

I want to be the mama who has time.  We spend our days cooking, playing instruments, singing, spending time with just a couple people, exploring the outdoors, and reading books.  I’m not the sort of mama who is willing to sacrifice the things I love for the mommy-rules; those rules play into my pride and sacrifice my poor boy.

I cannot tell you that I have arrived–I will still look at other moms and sometimes wish I always looked beautiful or that I had used some other parenting technique that is apparently working for them.  And admittedly, I have received a lot of criticism for my approach to motherhood.  However, if I’m striving to remain submissive to the prompting of the Spirit and I’m primarily concerned about my boy’s soul, the “rules” are really just optional and certainly not worth the sacrifice.

Returning to the Deep

“Put out into the deep water.”  (Luke 5:4)  

“The Lord did not say how deep.  The depth of the water into which we sail depends upon how completely we have cut our ties to the shore, the greatness of our need, and our anxieties about the future.  Yet the fish were to be found in the deep, not the shallow, water.”  (Streams in the Desert, Feb 29)

Lent was such a time–when the ropes that lassoed me to the docks had been cut, I saw my need and rushed into the deep.  No hesitation.  And the deeps brought contentment and peace.  I found myself treading water as though it was what I was created to do

Lent then led to the joyous Easter season.  Yet despite this victory (that of the resurrection) and my beloved deeps, I found myself rushing back to the shallow waters, unable to remain in the deep for the burden I bore, and barnacled to the dock.  I pondered the cause of the burden: far-away family members, conflict among friends? But those existed during Lent and were not weighty.  Searching for a way back out, I set up structured prayer time, got up before the sun rose in devotion–and still I found myself wrapped around the dock, as though it was my savior.  This yoke was neither easy or light.

Upon expressing these sentiments to a friend, she suggested I read poetry.  Poetry eventually led me to my old stand-by: “Pilgrim at Tinker Creek”.  Sometimes when I look to the Lord through the same lens, day after day, the glass gets foggy and I grow blind to the striking beauty of Truth.  I forget it is beauty that points back to my real and true Savior, not my own strivings.

“But I can’t go out and try to see this way.  I’ll fail, I’ll go mad.  All I can do is try to gag the commentator, to hush the noise of useless interior babble that keeps me from seeing just as surely as a newspaper dangled before my eyes.” (Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, 32)

Lest it sound like I’m discounting spiritual disciplines, rest assured I’m not.  I’m simply saying that sometimes to see Truth, we must hunt for beauty and this beauty will lead us to Truth.

Unhinging myself from the splintering dock, I push off into the deeps.  And it’s beautiful.

 

“This ordinary time is gifted

in its quiet, marked passing

Christ slips about

calling and baptizing,

sending and affirming,

pouring his Spirit like water 

into broken cisterns,

sealing cracks and filtering our senses,

that we may savor the foolish simplicity of his grace.” (Passing Ordinary Time, Enuma Okoro from At the Still Point ed. Sarah Arthur)

 

 

Lent: Prayer

For Lent this year, my primary focus was prayer.  At the start of the season, I ran across this quote and it rang so true:

“When I go aside in order to pray, I find my heart unwilling to approach God; and when I tarry in prayer my heart is unwilling to abide in Him.  Therefore, I am compelled first to go pray to God to move my heart into Himself, and when I am in Him, I pray that my heart remain in Him.”  -John Bunyan

 

The Lord graciously revealed these tools to help move through my unwilling heart.

Rosary

Always very curious about a rosary, it’s function, and why people are so attached to them, I made my own (instructions here). Not bound by any rules, I decided to pray the following verses for each of the beads:

The Cross: The Lord’s Prayer

Invitatory Bead:  Psalm 19:14

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart

Be acceptable in Your sight,

O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.

 

Cruciform Beads:  Psalm 25:4-5

Make me know Your ways, O LORD;

Teach me Your paths.

Lead me in Your truth and teach me,

For You are the God of my salvation;

For You I wait all the day.

 

The Weeks:  Psalm 103:1

Bless the LORD, O my soul,

And all that is within me, bless His holy name.

 

I sought to say the verses while meditating on them– when I found I was reciting robotically, I would return to the last bead remembered and continue from there.  Admittedly, sometimes it would take a while just to get through the Lord’s Prayer, especially at the beginning when my mind was so undisciplined.  Sometimes it would take 2 times through to slow my mind enough to pray.  The most profound moments in prayer occurred with this tool…not because of what it is but of what it required of my mind.  Furthermore, praying the verses above taught Scripture prayer in a deeper way, making quite an impact on less-structured prayers throughout the day.

 Valley of Vision:  A Collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions

This book served a similar function as the rosary: helping focus my mind.  The Old English cannot simply be scanned but each word must be read.  Also, the prayers reach right to the clouded heart, exposing doubt, self-righteousness, and pride.  With those laid bare, praying seemed to flow.  Flowing prayer was a totally new experience for me.  Additionally, with the heart transparent, I was removed from the same rote words and phrases I tend to use and was brought into a place of more meaningful prayers.  For example, a section of the Morning prayer read:

“O ever watchful Shepherd,

lead, guide, tend me this day;

Without thy restraining rod I err and stray;

Hedge up my path lest I wander into unwholesome pleasure

and drink its poisonous streams…”

Immediately, it was impressed on me (on a deeper level) that He is the shepherd of my mind/heart.  Turning to and quickly devouring Psalm 23, it read in a way I had never known it, though I had memorized it years ago.  Like someone opened a window and a warm, refreshing breeze blew in, transporting me out of the stale room I sat.  Beautiful.

Prayer Web

During Lent, I read The Quotidian Mysteries (a wonderful read!) and this quote stirred my mind:

“Each day brings with it the necessity of renewal of our love of and in God.”  

With the idea of manna as the Bread of Life (and my daily necessity), I looked up various related verses and logged them in a word web structure.  In the mornings, this sheet would help clear the groggy fog, guiding those early prayers.

So very thankful for these tools.  This experience in prayer has left me enamored, though I feel like I’m just ankle-deep in the very depths of our God.

“O fountain of all good,

Destroy in me every loft thought,

Break pride to pieces and scatter it to the winds,

Annihilate each clinging shred of 

Self-righteousness,

Implant in me true lowliness of spirit, 

…

Thus will my heart be a prepared dwelling 

For my God;

Then can the Father take up his abode in me,…”  (from Valley of Vision- prayer The Great God)

Humility

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.

 

From the desire of being loved…

From the desire of being extolled …

From the desire of being honored …

From the desire of being praised …

From the desire of being preferred to others…

From the desire of being consulted …

From the desire of being approved …

From the fear of being humiliated …

From the fear of being despised…

From the fear of suffering rebukes …

From the fear of being calumniated …

From the fear of being forgotten …

From the fear of being ridiculed …
From the fear of being wronged …
From the fear of being suspected …

That others may be loved more than I,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

 

That others may be esteemed more than I …

That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease …

That others may be chosen and I set aside …

That others may be praised and I unnoticed …

That others may be preferred to me in everything…

That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

 

 

Litany of Humility

Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930),
Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X

Baby Carriers

Before I forget, I want to try to log some information to remember if we are blessed with another Wee Cannon eventually.  Today, it’s my favorite baby carriers for the various stages.

Moby Wrap – a must for newborns

My boy wouldn’t sleep much at first but this gave me so much freedom.  Ten minutes in the Moby and he was o.u.t.  It also “reset” the little guy when he seemed to fussing for no reason.  The most common way to carry newborns in the Moby was impossible with E–he hated it.  We continued to try different ways until we found one that worked for him.  Also, it was simple to put on before leaving the house and then just pop him in it when we got the store or church.

Tips for successful carrying:

1. Put the Moby on so the baby fits snuggly. If it feels loose, take it off and try again.
2. Pull the support strap up high enough to provide support.
3. Tie the knot on the side, not in the middle.

Ring Sling – 3 Months to 1 Year

I made a couple of my own and the second one I made was by far my favorite, primarily because of the fabric texture.  I used these instructions  and bought the silver aluminum medium rings from slingrings.com.  With the first sling, I used fabric way too thick and I bought large rings.  The second sling (the one shown above), I used medium rings and the seersucker fabric was thin with just a bit of give (I wouldn’t call it stretchy, though).  It was perfect for the summer and when things got tense, it was an automatic cure-all.  It is super easy to put on and doesn’t have a plethora of elaborate snaps and clips.  I still use this carrier but, not for too long.  After E hit 20 lbs, it was challenging to carry him for more than 30 minutes.

Tips for successful carrying:

• Make sure the strap is over your shoulder and not your neck.
• Wear the baby high, not low on your hip.
• Find a comfortable fabric.
• There is a bit of a learning curve so practice at home so the baby knows the drill before trying to do it in the grocery store parking lot.

Boba - 3 months and on

Typically, I prefer wraps over snaps and clasps so I tried the BabyHawk Mei Tai but, like the ring sling, when he hit about 20lbs, it wasn’t distributing his weight effectively and it was hurting my back and the waist straps were digging into my sides.  I borrowed a friend’s Ergo for a bit but it felt so unnatural, like I was just wearing E in a backpack.  I heard that the Boba was great for toddlers and it was made of softer fabric so I took a risk and bought one.  And I love it.  I actually just bought it about a month ago but wish we could’ve used it much, much earlier.  It has a little hoodie to put up when the wind is bad or when he’s napping.  It fits great on me or my hubby (as shown above), easy to put the baby (or toddler) in, and can be worn on the front or back.

Tips for successful carrying:

• Make sure the waist strap is down around your hips so the weight is primarily distributed there.
• There is a bit of a learning curve so practice at home so the baby knows the drill before trying to do it in the grocery store parking lot.

 

Other Info to Remember:

1. A big coat or shawl works great as a winter coat over you and baby while he’s in the sling/wrap.
2. Only wear baby facing out on rare occasions and for small amounts of time.  Info here.
3. If the carrier doesn’t work one time, try again at least 3 more times.  If it doesn’t get easier, move on.
4. Carriers can be costly: watch for sales on Amazon, follow your favorite brands on Twitter for sales/contests, and check out eBay.  I have used all my carriers more than any other baby product (other than diapers) so they are worth the extra cost.
5. Don’t buy cheap carriers.  I bought a cheap carrier because the Boba was more than I wanted to spend.  The off-brand fabric is different, the waist strap was not comfortable, it didn’t cinch well…I could go on.  You’ll save money in the long run by trying out the one you like and buying it.  Often times, Amazon will have a free returns on their carriers so if you don’t like it after a week, you’re not stuck with it.

Do you baby wear?  Which one is your favorite?

Community and Introversion

For quite a while now, I’ve been mulling around those two words.

I am torn between my complete aversion of large groups and my delight in spending time with a person.  I’ve wondered, “perhaps I don’t love people as I ought” when my dread of an upcoming social event haunts me or the very idea of calling someone on the phone makes my heart pound in my ears.

And while it may be true in part, I know I do love people.  And conversations.  I also love quiet spaces.  And deep thoughts.

Relish sharing thoughts and experiences, listening to the wonder and revelations of others.  Long to spend a couple hours on the backporch, learning more about someone I may have only considered an acquaintance.  Or maybe just enjoy the presence of another while we both read our own books.

The antiquated idea of going “visiting” on a Sunday afternoon is a dream.

Unfortunately, I live in the culture of Facebook and large gatherings, one that encourages amassing friends like hobbies.  And my 15-month-old son, who I often find “reading” books by himself on the living room floor, will be growing up in a society that values his salesman-ship over his contemplative nature.

“Thousands of tired, nerve-shaken, over-civilized people are beginning to find out going to the mountains is going home; that wilderness is a necessity…” 
― John Muir

It seems, though, that only in the quiet moments does Truth become real.  The haze of busy-ness lifts and we see what it is.

“The real and proper question is: why is it beautiful?” 
― Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

 

And so, I will pursue people in small numbers–trusting that there are indeed others out there who also thrive in small numbers.  Or perhaps even an extrovert that would be willing to enliven my small, quiet space.  Investing in that person’s life and thoughts, I will love a person.  And tomorrow, I will invest in another and love that person.  I will find my community one person at a time.

————–

An interesting perspective on introverts:

Surrender

I do not need to add or subtract anything, nor seek after or mull over anything.  It is for you, Lord, to regulate everything: direction, humiliations, sanctification, perfection and salvation–all are your business, Lord.  Mine is to be satisfied with your work and not to demand the choice of action or condition, but to leave everything to your good pleasure.”

 

                                                               ~Jean-Pierre de Caussade

                                                                  Bread and Wine